The Space in Between: An Empath’s Field Guide by Signe Myers Hovem

One of the blurbs offered for my book The Space in Between: An Empath’s Field Guide generously states that I “put words to the wordless,” which honestly, was the most gratifying praise I could have received. It also partly explains why it took me so long to write my book—nearly ten years of countless revisions, exploring how to articulate my intuitive sensory existence.

For many empathic persons the world can be confusing and isolating; particularly for those who are unaware that they receive extrasensory information from the environment and unwittingly accept what they feel as their own. Or for those who are aware that they are empathic, yet feel a disconnect due to a lack of definition and understanding of what that means within society. Most dictionaries, in fact, place the origin of “empath” in science fiction and fantasy, which hints at the difficulties people with such sensitivities and abilities face in communicating how they experience the world. 

How do you validate your sensory experiences of feeling emotions, thoughts, and physical discomfort of others when even the dictionary—the authority on language—only affords you an existence in science fiction or fantasy?

The effort of giving language, and thus form, to the nebulous-yet-visceral experiences of an empath undeniably challenged me. My intention throughout my writing process was to demystify the empathic experience for anyone, empath or not, and that meant I needed a way to let the reader into my world. The irony is not lost on me that “world building” is typically a task for fantasy and science fiction writers and not one for a nonfiction writer describing the physical world we all inhabit in the here and now. 

And there’s the rub; empathic or not, we don’t all inhabit the same view or perception of the world. Once I recognized that the dictionary’s definition of an empath revealed more about the collective mainstream beliefs and biases than what an empath was, beyond labeling it a paranormal ability, my book’s structure emerged, as did my sense of purpose. I would be a guide to the reader, supported by ancient Greek poet Pindar’s prompt, which has been my personal touchstone and is quoted in the early pages of my book: “Learn who you are and be such.”

How do we, as individuals, learn who we are? From an early age we are told who we are, or who we should be, by our family and our society. Though this telling may be more about safeguards than outright intentional suppression, this standardized approach to life influences the collective perception of what’s true and possible within human experience. Any person who envisions or experiences a contrary reality to the mainstream version will undoubtedly be pushed to question personal truths. At the very least, they will be challenged to be authentic in a world of conformity.

Self-awareness and acceptance are pivotal mindsets that, once embodied, open life up to self-actualization and authenticity. For an empath, that journey involves an evolutionary arc from being an overly sensitive person trying to survive in their environment by feeling separate, to becoming an engaged and functional empath who witnesses what’s out of balance and honors that connection. Along this arc is gaining the understanding that the physical world is an energetic expression. Intuition’s wheelhouse is the ability to sense the energetic realm, which is how an empath can sense others’ displaced and unprocessed emotions, thoughts and physical discomfort. 

Writing The Space in Between, I needed readers to grasp a unified sensory system that includes intuition—while removing the science fiction and fantasy bias. To build awareness of our relationship to the energetic world, I created field guides for five different landscapes: The Field of Reflection, The Field of Definition, The Field of Sensing, The Field of Experience and Awareness, and the Field of Mystery. Each of these fields provided me with insight and movement in my own journey toward a balanced perception of the world and my place in it as an empathic person, wired for extrasensory reception and connection. 

I hope readers, empath or not, will embrace the inherent wisdom offered by an empathic nature: the fundamental truth that we are sensory, energetic, creative, and multi-dimensional beings; and we are all connected.

The Space in Between: An Empath’s Field Guide offers questions for reflection at the end of each chapter, inviting the reader to understand their own sensitivities, their own capacity to care for themselves and others, and to embrace the larger conversation their sensory nature holds with the world and humanity. I hope they feel seen, heard and witnessed as I name and define my experience as an empath.

Buy on Amazon Kindle | Paperback | Bookshop.org

About the Author

Signe Myers Hovem is the author of The Space in Between: An Empath’s Field Guide. She has created homes on five continents over twenty years, raised four uniquely sensitive children, pursued a special education lawsuit appealed to the US Supreme Court, volunteered in a hospice in Texas and an orphanage in Azerbaijan, worked as a spiritual counselor in Houston Texas, and taught workshops and trainings in the art of being an empath and the power of language in many countries around the world. She splits her time between Boulder, Colorado, and  Oslo, Norway. For more information, please visit https://www.smhovem.com 

Taking Chances and Finding Adventures in Midlife by Linda Jämsén

Do you ever feel that you are stuck in a rut, and wonder if there’s an alternative life waiting for you elsewhere that you need to catch up to? If so, you’re not alone. In 2017, 80% of Americans surveyed admitted they felt “stuck in a routine.” Although it can be frightening to move away from our comfort zones, my experience is that it can also be exhilarating. 

At age 41, I found myself at a crossroads when the birthday marriage proposal I had been expecting from my partner Hank didn’t happen. Broaching the subject of marriage and motherhood backfired in a big way, as Hank’s vision of the future was vastly different than mine. Devastated, I realized that if I stayed with him, our relationship would forever remain on his terms. While those “terms” weren’t disagreeable in the short term—he and I got along very well day-to-day—I knew it was only a matter of time before my frustration and disappointment reached the boiling point. I didn’t want to suppress those powerful emotions, only to have them emerge as angry regrets later. Even if I never found lasting love or had a child, staying with Hank and compromising my values surely sounded the death knell for my dreams

A confluence of events transpired to pave the way for my separation from Hank. After four years of part-time study, I completed the graduate management program at Radcliffe Seminars and was no longer geographically bound to Boston. I had also reached the end of the road professionally with my fundraising job and was already interviewing with other local nonprofits. Yet, while I went through the motions of looking for a new position, something kept nagging at me. Did I want to continue my life in a similar way as before, a kind of parallel one in which the view from my office changed slightly, as did the name of my boyfriend and street address? Wasn’t there something else I longed for?

Yes!

One look at the dust gathering on my Kawai grand piano was enough to convince me that I had been missing out. By becoming too focused on my job and furthering my education and career skills, I had neglected my piano playing and passion for music. Then there were all those faraway destinations I still longed to explore: Amsterdam, Turkey, Greece. I’d once been so ripe for adventure, so open to possibility. Had that part of me disappeared for good? For years, my pangs of wanderlust had been suppressed by Hank’s fear of flying, which ruled out overseas travel.

I recalled the quote by my musical idol, Hungarian composer-pianist Franz Liszt:  Beware of missing chances; otherwise, it may be altogether too late someday.” Missing changes … too late someday … Those sentiments resonated with me. Within six months, I broke up with Hank, left my job and career, and moved overseas to Budapest, land of Liszt. I’d finally decided to pay attention to that nagging feeling and make changes. By immersing myself in a new, exotic culture, I connected with the “old” me—the pianist, the romantic, the adventuress. I trained to become an English language teacher, volunteered at the Liszt Academy of Music, sang in a chorus, and traveled throughout Europe. After a few years, I met the love of my life, whose values clicked with mine, and am forever grateful I took a chance in my early forties.

I never looked back until I wrote about these experiences in Odyssey of Love: A Memoir of Seeking and Finding. If you accompany me on these adventures, I hope you will be inspired to begin advancing your longed-for goals. Don’t let your age or the wishes of others stop you. As one who took a leap of faith into an uncertain future and flourished, I know you can do it and am cheering you on!

The Best Books for Kids Who Don’t Like to Read By A.J. Kormon

My boys are 9 and 11 and they still prefer to have me read to them rather than read on their own. It’s not that they don’t like reading. They love stories, but they aren’t interested in sitting down and reading a book. At least, that’s what I thought until I caught them reading a few books on their own this summer. 

After trying so hard to find books they would pick up and flip through on their own, it was such a relief to spot them paging through books, eager to find out what happens in the story. If you have a child who doesn’t seem to enjoy reading, consider trying one of the books below. 

Diary of a Pug

Diary of a Pug is a series of five books with a sixth coming in spring 2022—all written by Kyla May. At first, I thought this series might be a little young for my boys, because it’s intended for 5- to 7-year-olds. But Bub the pug is such a lovable dog that tends to worry a lot. He’s very relatable and my boys have fallen in love with him and keep requesting the next book in the series. 

The illustrations are cute, and Bub has emotion bubbles over his head which help kids link the feelings to what’s happening in the story. And like many dogs, sometimes Bub farts, and of course, my boys think this is hilarious. Bub also has some complicated relationships with Nuts the squirrel and Duchess the cat which always makes the stories more interesting. 

Dog Man

My boys used to ask me to read Captain Underpants all the time, but now that they’ve discovered the Dog Man series by Dav Pilkey, they seem to prefer it. I think the attraction with Dog Man is the fantasy aspect. He’s half cop and half dog and he gets up to some crazy stuff that is downright silly and often physically impossible.  

As ridiculous as some of the stories are, Dav Pilkey still manages to weave some great lessons into his books. I also love how the Dog Man titles mimic classic literature. For example, Lord of the Fleas instead of Lord of the Flies and For Whom the Ball Rolls instead of For Whom the Bell Tolls. 

Bad Guys

The Bad Guys series by Aaron Blabey was recommended to me by a bookstore owner as being a great series for reluctant readers. With a title like “Bad Guys,” I was a little hesitant until she explained these are animals everyone is afraid of (wolves, snakes, sharks, etc.) trying to be good and help people. The result is pandemonium and hilarity. 

These books are downright silly, but I’ve never heard my kids laugh so hard while reading, so I don’t mind the silliness. The character Piranha has a problem with gas, so you can imagine what some of the laughter is all about. What I enjoy as a parent is that while these are illustrated books, and there are not a lot of words on the pages, the words often become part of the illustrations. Sometimes the words are also really big, making them easier to read. 

The Okay Witch

I discovered the Okay Witch series by Emma Steinkellner when searching the Libby app for graphic novels available as e-books through my library. As the title suggests, these books are about Moth, a thirteen-year-old who discovers she comes from a long line of witches. There’s even a hilarious talking cat who turns out to be an old friend of the family who’s been reincarnated. 

Doodleville

Doodleville by Chad Sell is another graphic novel I discovered through the Libby app. This story also has a touch of magic which I think is what my boys enjoyed about it. Drew is an artist whose doodles come to life and wreak havoc in Drew’s life. When Drew creates her most mischievous doodle yet, Drew and her art club friends must come together to create a plan to save Doodleville. 

This is a great story about coming together as a team to solve problems.

Cat Ninja

Cat Ninja by Matthew Cody is a graphic novel series available almost exclusively on the Epic reading app (although it looks like book one may be available as a paperback soon). At the time I’m writing this, there are over 15 Cat Ninja books available on Epic. These are read-to-me books where kids can listen and read along, or they can choose to turn off the audio and read the book themselves. 

You may have noticed a pattern here! These are all graphic novels, or in the case of Diary of a Pug, a beginning chapter book with lots of illustrations and bigger, more spaced out, printing. My boys love graphic novels because the pictures help them decode the story. I also caught them reading several audiobooks over the summer too. Graphic novels and audiobooks can help develop readers just as well as more traditional chapter books and middle-grade novels. 

I hope you check out some of the books above and your kids love them as much as mine do!

As a former accountant, AJ Kormon, started writing books about money to help explain the concept to her kids. As her kids got older, they showed signs of not wanting to read, so she enlisted their help creating a series for resistant readers. This is how the Halloway Hills Middle School Mysteries were born. When AJ isn't writing and cartooning, you'll find her losing to her kids at Uno.

About the Author

AJ Kormon started out writing books about money to help explain the concept to her kids. As her kids got older, they showed signs of not wanting to read, so she enlisted their help creating a series for resistant readers. This is how the Halloway Hills Middle School Mysteries were born. When AJ isn't writing and cartooning, you'll find her losing to her kids at Uno.

Find A.J. Kormon at: 

Website: www.ajkormon.com

BookBub: www.bookbub.com/profile/a-j-kormon

GoodReads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/20379395.A_J_Kormon

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ajkormon/

Guest Post: Renovated by Nikki Kiley

Renovated is a steamy contemporary workplace romance based in Miami and a fictional small town in Florida. My heroine Marisa is a Puerto Rican woman raised in Miami after her Cuban grandparents took her in at thirteen.

I touched upon the subject of gender-based violence in Renovated because, as a Puerto Rican woman myself, I have witnessed the crisis in my own country. 

In recent years, there has been a demand by citizens after the wave of deaths targeting women and transgender people. Puerto Rico has even declared a state of emergency to battle this situation, finding that the solution always starts with education.

It’s become such a crisis that the Governor has even created an executive order to protect and prevent gender-based violence. Unfortunately, women and transgender people have been victims of machismo, discrimination, and lack of education. Gender-based violence is not just a Puerto Rico problem. It’s greater than my 100 by 35-mile island. I am not a political person, but I’m not blind to what is happening outside my doorstep. 

As part of her healing process, Marisa Sanchez (My Heroine) gives back to her community by empowering women with the knowledge to take care of their own homes. Being able to fix a toilet or a stopped up sink, drywall, paint, or install tile, brings us back to the biblical concept of teaching a man to fish versus giving him the fish. She is teaching women that have gotten out of bad relationships to take care of themselves. Rely on their ability to figure out that you don’t need a Y chromosome to solve household issues. 

You can find her book on Amazon Kindle | Paperback

Q&A with Meg Nocero, Butterfly Awakens: A Memoir of Transformation Through Grief

Where did you grow up /live now? What is your education/career background?

Both my parents were raised in large, tight-knit Italian-American families in New York. After they got married, when the United States entered the Vietnam War, and the Draft began, my father signed up to serve with the U.S. Navy as a doctor. So right before I was born, my mom and dad were given orders to report to the U.S. Naval Base in Orlando, Florida. And on December 1, 1969, my dad said that I arrived at the U.S. Naval Hospital singing like a joyful and loud nun in the Sunday choir.

We stayed in Orlando for the two years that my father completed his military service, then my mom, older sister Mary, and I returned to Yonkers, New York, where my dad could finish his residency at Bellevue Hospital in cardiology. Upon completion, one of my dad’s mentors in the Navy invited him to join a cardiology practice in Orlando—we all returned, this time with the addition of my little sister Aimee as well. So, from 3 years old until I went to Boston College at 18, that is where I grew up.

Because I applied to the American Field Service as an exchange student, I lived in Bucaramanga, Colombia, South America, during the summer before my senior year in high school. Falling in love with Latin culture, the music—merengue, salsa, cumbia, vallenato—and learning Spanish, I chose to continue studying romance languages in college to open up communication with more people. At Boston College, I traveled to Mexico, spent my junior semester abroad in Rome, Italy, and went on two mission trips: to Guayaquil, Ecuador, and Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic.

Graduating with a B.A. in Spanish/Italian, and not knowing what else to do, I applied to law school. Because there was a recession, there was an increase in applications for professional schools. After being waitlisted, when I did not get in, I decided to return to Orlando to figure out my next step—I took a GAP year in the 90s before it was even a thing.

Not really focused on a particular career path, after working in an office as an assistant, then as a translator and interpreter for international conferences, I decided to go back to school at UCF to take the pre-requisites to get my M.A. in International Studies. When I got into the Graduate Program at the University of Miami in 1992, I moved to Brickell Key and never left—I finally felt like I was home. Even after Hurricane Andrew blew through not even two weeks after I moved all my earthly belongings into my one-bedroom condo in Brickell Key II near downtown Miami and had to evacuate, I returned with my dog Alfredo Luigi. I fell in love with this big International city, the tropical feel, the dominant Latin culture, the wonderfully diverse people, and stayed. After receiving my J.D. in 1997, I married a fellow law school classmate who was also an Italian-American. I worked for the federal government as an immigration trial attorney for nearly 20 years, raised two awesome kids, and built a wonderful life in Miami—Miami is a significant part of my story in that this place has helped me become the passionate creative that I am today.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

When I was a child, I loved to design dresses and write. I cherished my black artist workbook where I created elegant ball gowns that I imagined wearing to fabulous galas where I would dance the night away. I got lost in the colors of painting and design, mostly princess gowns with full skirts and lots of tulles. I drew models with long flowing hair and delicate crowns on top of their heads. My mother was Miss New York in the Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington when she was 16. I remember being mesmerized by her elegant gown and especially the sparkly tiara on her head. She looked beautiful, confident, and regal. I always associated those adjectives with tiaras, probably why I am obsessed with wearing them whenever I get a chance. 

If I didn’t feel like drawing, I preferred to live in my imagination creating stories where I pretended I was a magical fairy granting wishes to anyone who sought my assistance. In my journals, I set out to discover the world, taking journeys to the far corners of the globe. Free to create, my active imagination opened magical doors where incredible stories were about to unfold. Other imaginary friends, the characters who kept me company, would greet me there, welcoming and joining me in celebration. Also, I even created a series called Hello, Fellow. Making up the life of a successful, attractive, and smart young lady, I set out to create beautiful stories. With each of these activities, I escaped my reality and entered a fantasy world far more appealing than what I faced as an awkward kid in school. The writing was always so empowering and inspirational in that I always believed that the world I made up could perhaps become my reality one day. 

Where/When do you best like to write?

I am creative. For me, writing, drawing, and singing have always been necessary therapeutic outlets. As a kid, I would carry a journal with me wherever I went to jot down my ideas, emote on the page, organize myself, and sketch. As an adult with many roles and responsibilities, I had to get intentional to be creative. As a Julia Cameron's Artist Way student, I love to begin my day writing my morning pages, three pages longhand, stream of consciousness writing that clears your head. Knowing that it only takes 20 minutes a day to give a story life, I schedule that into my life while riding my stationary bike every morning. This exercise is an active meditation for me. It allows me the opportunity to do something healthy for my body and my mind. And, when a story or writing piece grips me, I will stay up all hours into the night, capturing its essence and bringing it to life on the computer screen or longhand on paper.

In the end, I love dancing with different languages, words, music, innovation, creation, and beauty. Writing has allowed me to be vulnerable, sharing my story with others while infusing more joy, fun, and creativity into my life. For years, living up to other people's expectations and basing my worth upon the opinion of other people left me feeling empty. Writing empowered me to decide that I was tired of suffering; I made an active choice to follow my bliss and see where that would take me with happiness as the ultimate goal. So, whenever I get a chance, I make time to write more.

What do you think makes a good story?

I love a good story. It is magical when good music, books, or fantastic movies inspire me to think outside the box, offering hope, sometimes even getting a break from the world's stress.

A good storyteller brings me into their world, introduces me to incredible characters who become so real. She shows me beauty as she takes me on a journey to discover something new, evoking a full range of emotions. From laughter to tears, I appreciate when the writer is vulnerable to where I feel the story come alive off the pages. When I get to the last page or the end of the movie, a fantastic story stays with me inviting conversations that expand my mind and fills my soul.

When did you first realize you wanted to be a writer? Or what first inspired you to write?

What inspired your story?

In April of 2011, not only did I lose my mother to breast cancer, but I also lost my way. I retreated into my closet and did not want to come out and face a world without my mother. I showed up to my responsibilities at work and home, but I fell into a depression where I did not want to live anymore. It was a terrifying feeling. My kids were 2 and 8 years old when my mother passed away. I knew that I could not abandon them, but the sadness and disillusionment enveloped me. 

As an empath, someone who can absorb another individual's mental or emotional state, I am sensitive to the energies in this world. My mother grounded me when the world became too much. She was my safe place. When she died, I felt like my connection to my guide was cut off. I was left alone to navigate the confusing grieving process. Additionally, I burnt out from traveling back and forth from Miami to Orlando to help with her care while managing my own hectic family life, a full-time job as a federal immigration attorney, and raising young children. 

I have always had a journaling practice—using writing as a tool to work out so much. So I looked for a way to navigate the grieving process and started to write as a healing tool. I started simply. I would wake in the morning and read from a book that resonated with me. When a quote or a passage spoke to me, I grabbed my journal and channeled at least three pages of longhand about what I felt my mother would want to communicate to me about it. One day led to the next, and this routine led me to complete my guide that I would later call The Magical Guide to Bliss: Daily Keys to Unlock Your Dreams, Spirit & Inner Bliss. I intended to empower myself to figure out how to will myself back to life, step into the unknown, and wake up to life again. In addition to allowing me to feel connected to my mom, it helped me muster the courage to make a career change after 20 years as a federal prosecutor. The writing was the first step towards what helped me trust my transformation; it was my cocoon, a ,safe place to strengthen my budding wings so that I could imagine metamorphosis into a beautiful butterfly.

I remember thinking how easy it is to get stuck in life, far short of where I wanted,to be, and I felt trapped by pain and despaired that the suffering was all that there is; that bliss is just a myth. I started to get intentional with my life. Paying attention to the people, places, and things that would show up every day, I became excited about my present and future again. When I was at an all-time low, I begged the universal divine for assistance. I promised that when I did emerge triumphantly, I would share the vulnerability of my story to inspire others not to lose hope and give up on their dreams if they find themselves in darkness. I wanted my story of transformation through grief to one day be the light for others—the greatest gift is for someone to look at you and say, because of you, I didn't give up. That helped me fight my way out of my darkness. 

And, some of the events that occurred as I learned to love myself unconditionally were truly extraordinary. When Oprah's "Live the Life You Want 2014" came to Miami, it catapulted me to take the final step and truly live the life I wanted as a published author. One of my long-time dreams was to meet Oprah, one of my spiritual guides, and I was one of the lucky ones to get called up on stage with Oprah in Miami, and as they say, the rest is history; in this case, a trilogy—The Magical Guide to Bliss, Daily Keys to unlock Your Dreams, Spirit & Inner Bliss, Sparkle & Shine: 108 M.A.N.T.R.A.s to Brighten Your Day and Lighten Your Way and finally my memoir, Butterfly Awakens!

"I will never forget Oprah looking me in the eyes saying to me "this is your moment, Meg, don't miss it; it is time to live the life you want!" And so, I have! And the most fantastic thing is that I have brought many others with me. 

Is there a message/theme in your book that you want readers to grasp?

When I was moving through grief, I promised that I would keep going to share a better story for my life, healing myself and in service to others. The metamorphosis of the butterfly and the guidance of the lighthouse were symbols that stood foremost in my mind. Never giving up in this life, doing the hard things that surround transformation, and in the end embracing your inner beauty—not needing approval or permission from others to be here. I want other people to honestly know that there is always light, even in the darkness and that they are more than enough just as they are.

Who are some of your favorite authors?

Paulo Coelho, Liz Gilbert, Neville Goddard, Suzanne Simonetti, & Leslie Rasmussen

What’s the best writing advice you have ever received?

Sit down and commit to writing at least 20 minutes a day.

What is the one book no writer should be without?

Alchemist- Paulo Coelho and The Power of Awareness, Neville Goddard

You can grab a copy of her book on Amazon Kindle or Paperback

About the Author

You can connect with Meg at:

Website: www.megnocero.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/meggiebliss

Instagram: @megnocero

Belle Boyd, Control of Women, Plus an 1860s Etiquette Quiz by Claire J. Griffin

A Rebellious Woman is biographical fiction, based on the life of a real woman, named Belle Boyd who lived from 1844 to 1900. Born in the part of Virginia that would form the breakaway state of West Virginia during the Civil War, Belle is best known as a reckless teenager who briefly spied for Stonewall Jackson. The story goes that she once ran across an active battlefield to deliver information, returning home with bullet holes in her petticoats.

But Belle was rebellious her entire life. She married three times and divorced twice. Between marriages, she supported herself and her children as an actress – also considered shocking. She even appeared on stage dressed in men’s clothing. None of this shocks us today, but in the mid-1800s these were acts of defiance that put Belle well outside the mainstream of acceptable female behavior. 

And what exactly was acceptable female behavior? It was during my researches about American life in the 1860s that I learned how extraordinary the era was in its attempts to control the lives of “ladies” (women above a certain social class). 

Ladies were controlled in part by burdensome clothing. Wide-skirted dresses weighing upwards of ten pounds; more than seven layers of underclothing; tightly laced corsets that could make it difficult to breathe; a contraption called a “cage crinoline” (to hold out their skirts) that was literally like wearing a bird cage. It is no exaggeration to say that women of this era were literally tied up and caged.

Strangely enough, at a time when sipping a half glass of wine was pushing the bounds of propriety, many women were made docile and obedient by the use of opiates. Laudanum, a potent mix of powdered opium and alcohol was widely available without a prescription. It was commonly dispensed in bottles just three inches high, small enough for a lady to slip into her pocket or drawstring purse and carry with her throughout the day. There is no evidence that Belle Boyd ever used opiates. Quite the contrary. She was a high energy woman who charted a life for herself that was full of freedom and adventure. However, it is well-documented that two other women of this period, Mary Todd Lincoln, and Varina, wife of Confederate president Jefferson Davis, both struggled with laudanum addiction during the Civil War.

In addition to oppressive clothing and easily available narcotics, the most direct way in which women were controlled was through a rigid system of etiquette. This strict code of conduct defined every aspect of female behavior including how a woman dressed, sat, walked, ate, spoke, and laughed.

How oppressive were these rules? To find out, take this “1860s Etiquette Quiz”, based on actual rules that appeared in advice books of the day. The questions are True/False. Answers appear at the end.

“1860s Etiquette Quiz”

1. A lady was not permitted to sit with her legs crossed at the ankles or knees.  

2. A lady was permitted to have a glass of wine at a private dinner party. 

3. A lady was not permitted to laugh quietly in private conversation. 

4. A lady was permitted to sing at a private party. 

5. A lady was permitted to exclaim “Goodness gracious!” and “Mercy!” in private conversation. 

6. A lady was permitted to be alone in a room with a gentleman for a few minutes, as long as he was a close family friend. 

7. When out in public, a lady was not permitted to walk quickly, swing her arms, speak in a loud voice, or call to a friend on the other side of the street. 

8. A lady traveling with a male companion was encouraged to give him her purse so he could pay any costs she incurred on her journey. 

9. The following activities were permitted for ladies: sewing, knitting, embroidery, drawing, painting, playing a musical instrument, ballroom dancing, horseback riding. 

10.  A lady was not permitted to go riding alone. 

11.  If a lady was riding with a man, she was permitted to precede her escort over a   jump. 

12. When riding with an escort, a lady was permitted to suggest the direction and set the pace of the ride. 

13. For the sake of safety, under certain circumstances a lady was sometimes permitted to ride astride rather than sidesaddle. 

14. When out walking, a lady was permitted to stop on the sidewalk in order to pull on her gloves or smooth her hair. 

15.  In private conversation with a close friend and no one else present, a lady was permitted to roll her eyes. 

Answers: 1. True. 2. False. A half glass of wine might be permitted at home in honor of a special family occasion. 3. True. 4. True. Singing and playing an instrument were considered genteel social arts that allowed a lady to display her accomplishments to friends in a modest way. 5. False. No exclamations of any sort were allowed. 6. False. Being alone with a gentleman was permitted only if he was a family member. Or possibly if he was really, really old. 7. True. 8. True. This was encouraged because it allowed a lady to avoid interacting with low sorts of people, such as coach drivers and innkeepers. 9. True. These were all approved activities. 10. True. A lady seen riding without male supervision would raise questions about where she was going and what she intended to do when she got there. 11. False. 12. False. The male in the party would make all such decisions. The lady must follow his lead. 13. False. Riding sidesaddle could be dangerous, but the woman’s safety was never a consideration. 14. False. These were considered to be intimate dressing/grooming behaviors and therefore must never be performed in public. 15. False. Rolling your eyes was never permitted, although you might be doing that right now!

One thing these rules make clear is that in the context of Victorian society’s efforts to control women, Belle Boyd stands out as a scandalous figure. But today we can recognize her as a modern woman whose tragedy was to be born a century too soon.

For more information on etiquette, clothing, and women’s drug use in the 1860s, plus actual historical photos of Belle, please visit my website:

https://www.clairejgriffin.com

To buy A Rebellious Woman on :

Amazon Kindle

Paperback

To view a 3 minute video on Belle and her times:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKLsC6uuyOw 

More ways to connect with Claire:

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