Q&A with Diane Pomeranz, Lost in the Reflecting Pool

Lost in the Reflecting Pool is a memoir about my marriage to a man who was interesting, brilliant, charming and a narcissist. It is the story of surviving in an emotionally abusive marriage while going through treatment for an aggressive cancer and finally breaking free and growing from the experience. A major theme in my book is how we neglect to pay attention to the things we do see, the clues, our own internal “watchdog,” which can guide us if we would only trust ourselves.

Why publish a memoir now? What inspired you to do so?

Process … from the very beginning it has been a process. I started keeping a journal in 1997 when I began psychoanalysis. I was married, we had struggled with infertility problems, finally had created a family through adoption and a successful IVF pregnancy, moved into a wonderful house and I was depressed. A year after starting analysis I was diagnosed with a very aggressive breast cancer. Initially I thought I would write about that journey. Little did I know that cancer would seem like an insignificant problem compared to the mind-devastating, gas-lighting betrayals and mind-tricks I was to experience within my marriage as I fought for my life medically. Little did I realize this had actually been going on for years, subtly … this had been my depression.

So, the focus of my writing changed …. it became cathartic; it was the raw expression of the pain and anguish that was my life. Finally, when I separated, I continued to write but with two children to raise and working full-time, whenever I returned to write, I found myself re-writing chapter seven over and over again … this went on for years. Once my children were in college, my writing became more focused, and with increased understanding came increased distance from the pain. The narrative of my life began to unfold, and then that, too, began to change. What’s been most fascinating has been the discoveries I’ve realized since my memoir was completed and published. The process of understanding and healing did not end when the writing was done. As a psychologist, I’m not new to psychotherapy … I have had a lot of it over the years, and since I have finished writing my memoir I feel more grounded than I have ever felt before. I discovered that having written my memoir continues to heal me in ways that astound me. I felt my story was an important story for many woman who all too often do not trust what they know in their gut to be true. That was why I wrote this book.

When did you suspect, for the first time, that Charles was a narcissist?

Probably not until the very end of the relationship … despite being a psychologist, when one is in the midst of a relationship one isn’t really thinking in “diagnostic” terms … at least I wasn’t … I thought of him as “sadistic” and ”crazy-making” but I really didn’t think in diagnostic terms until much, much later.

Your story explores heavy themes, such as dealing with psychological and emotional abuse. Why did you find this important to do?

The insidious damage caused by psychological/emotional abuse in relationships to all family members is profound despite there being no physical bruises or injuries … the trauma is significant and has lifelong impact on an individual’s ability to function. I felt it was essential to bring attention to this, to bring attention to the possibility for healing and to validate the experience of the emotionally abused.

What has the feedback to your book been like, so far? Have you heard from any readers who experienced something similar in their lives?

The feedback has been very positive. My book has received a number of awards and my reviews on Amazon and Goodreads are very strong. I have been contacted by many readers who have found the book to be very validating and helpful to them in their own healing journey.

Even though you had a lot of bad experiences in your marriage, you started out describing many of the happy moments. Why did you take this approach?

There were several reasons. First, no relationship is all bad and had the relationship started out with nothing good, I really would have been crazy to continue in it so the back story was important. Initially I didn’t include that but it didn’t make sense so I revised it. Also, in order to understand the narcissist, it is important to understand that they can be charming and engaging, so it was very important to show the flowers and the good-times in contrast to the sadism and gas-lighting and empty-shell behaviors.

In your memoir, you reveal very personal aspects from your life. Did you find this hard to do?

Definitely, which is why it took me so many years to write the book. I struggled with whether to write it as an autobiographical novel, whether to use a pseudonym, I changed things that I ultimately brought back to fact in the final memoir form … but it was a struggle. In the end, I decided that I wanted to take complete ownership for my story, it was an important part of my healing process.

Tell us more about the title of the book. Why did you name it "Lost in the Reflecting Pool"?

As with everything about writing my memoir coming up with the title was also a process. There’ve been many titles, mostly in the last few years of writing … I started writing my memoir about nineteen years ago, But the title that lasted the longest and was most meaningful, before the final title was Scheherazade’s Cancer. According to the tale of The One Thousand and One Nights, many years ago, the king of ancient Persia discovered that his wife had betrayed him. His distress and wrath was great and, he had his wife beheaded. He then vowed to marry a young virgin every day and ordered her beheaded after the wedding night! Finally, he had married and killed all the young women in the kingdom until his vizier’s daughter, Scheherazade, asked her father if she could marry the king. Her father, was not pleased about this and tried to persuade her not to do it. But she had a plan.

Scheherazade was beautiful, well-read and intelligent, and she was a talented storyteller, able to weave together stories with lessons for her listeners. She married the king and on their wedding night, she told him with a tale that went on late into the night, but it was so late she couldn’t finish it and thus the king put off the beheading so she could finish the story the following night. The clever Scheherazade continued to weave ever more fantastic and adventure-filled stories, each night leaving the king waiting to discover what happened next. Her powerful storytelling thus continued every night, until the king eventually let go of his fear of women, fell in love with the beautiful Scheherazade … and in his unending love for her, allowed her to live ... 

Scheherazade had a voice ... but it was her wiles that kept her alive ... for me, the first title of my memoir, Scheherazade’s Cancer, was my statement that I Tell My Story or Die ...(initially from cancer)…

But as I wrote I realized I had lost my voice in my marriage, I did not have the strong voice of Scheherazade, I was much more like the mythical nymph Echo in the tale of Echo and Narcissus ...
I was truly Lost in the Reflecting Pool.

What advice do you have for other women who suspect that they might be married to a narcissist?

• Narcissists will try to isolate you from others … it is essential that you maintain a support system

• Trust what you see and trust what you feel in your gut

• Set/ maintain your boundaries

If writing your story has taught you anything, what has it taught you?

I suppose I would have to say that I have developed a thicker skin. I realize that not everyone is going to like what I write, but that’s okay … I don’t like everything I read either… I don’t take it so very personally and I think that is a good change for me.

What changed for you from writing your story.

I believe that overall I feel more grounded within myself since I have told my story. It has been an experience where I  have gotten to understand myself much better than previously and that feeling goes far beyond the story of my marriage but rather it has to do with a sense of solidifying my own sense of self.

My Top 10 Favorite Authors/Books by Anna Willett

I have so many favorites, it was difficult to come up with just 10, but here goes: 

East of Eden by John Steinbeck
Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris
Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
The Stand by Stephen King
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin
Jaws by Peter Benchley
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
11.22.63 by Stephen King
The Godfather by Mario Puzo
An honourable mention goes to The Ruins by Scott Smith. It didn’t quite make the list, but it’s still an outstanding read. 
 

Q&A with Linda Ballou, The Cowgirl Jumped Over the Moon

Are experiences based on someone you know, or events in your own life?

LB: Absolutely. I was deeply immersed in the riding world when a herniated disc in my lower back forced me to give it up. I had invested not just dollars, but huge blocks of time, my best energies and I loved the sport. The pinnacle of my riding career was doing a cross-country course in Ireland which is detailed in my story Irish Mist. Back home in California I was doing three-day events on an amateur level with my mare. I adored her and loved every moment we shared together on the trail and in the riding arena. Writing this story helped me get through the tremendous loss that I felt when I had to give her to Hearts and Horses a non-profit that helps handicapped children.

How much of the book is realistic?

All of it, I hope! I tried to capture the energy, danger and excitement of the Grand Prix jumping world. The Mariposa equestrian facility in the story is modeled after the facility I visited in the celebrity-owned ranches nestled in Hidden Valley in Southern California. I was a groupie at horse shows trying to absorb the courage of the riders like Susan Hutchison, I so admired. Susie is the protégé of the legendary trainer Jimmy Williams, who I was privileged to interview in 1993, not long before his passing. The character Billy is modeled after this authentic “horse whisperer,” who was a giant in the riding world.

Is there a message in your novel that you want readers to grasp?

Besides the obvious “To Finish is to Win” message that Gemcie brings home, I hoped that by taking readers to the mountains and seeing that world through Brady’s eyes it would engender a greater love and respect for the natural world. I did a horse pack trip in the John Muir Wilderness that allowed me to know the ethereal beauty in the “Range of Light” that Muir described in My First Summer in the Sierra’s. It was a momentous journey for me. I always wanted to return and ride the Pacific Crest Trail solo as others more capable than I have done. This was my way of getting there on my own and to share the message that not enough is said for solitude. Time alone allows us to absorb, and digest all the external stimulation moderns are bombarded with daily. It enables us to become centered and grounded in nature rather than looking outside of ourselves for endorsement. In addition, to this message there is a very powerful environmental statement about our place in the natural world. I don’t want to share too much of the story, but it is my hope that people will come away with a little different perspective and understanding for all things wild.

What was the hardest part of writing your book?

LB: It was physically difficult because I had to write it standing up at my breakfast bar. Sciatic pain in my right leg would not allow me to sit for any length of time. Like a shark I couldn’t rest and had to keep moving. I had to deal with the fact that I would have to leave the riding world behind. Writing the story kept my mind off the constant pain I was experiencing and allowed the deep emotions over the loss of what I cherished wash over me. It was a cathartic and a very important healing process. Still, it wasn’t easy to let go.

What genre do you consider your book?

LB: It is New Adult. I am so happy that this classification has come into being.  Horse stories are typically for young adult readers, but this is an adult story with adult themes.

There are a couple of love scenes that culminate into sexual encounters, but they are not graphic. I don’t believe they are offensive to an adult reader, but perhaps not appropriate for readers under 18. The story is filled with action and adventure and is a coming of age story so it is hard to pigeon hole.

How did you come up with this title?

LB: That’s funny you should ask. A girlfriend gave me a t-shirt with that tag over the picture of a cowgirl jumping over the moon on a starry night. It just stuck with me.

I always loved the image and cut it out when it was time to toss the well-worn gift away. I wrote the first draft of this story many years ago and that little reminder was pressed inside the journal that contained the notes for the story that has it found its way to fruition

Tell us about the process of turning your book into an audiobook.

I chose audible because it is easy to use and does not cost anything if you chose to split royalties with your narrator.  It is a painless process once you have found the right person. You should not be too eager as you are agreeing to a 7-year contract with audible and if you make a mistake in your choice you will be stuck. Scott Glennon was easy to work with and provided chapters to me in a timely manner. I listened to each file carefully, made my edits and he complied. We worked very nicely together and I am very proud and pleased with the results. You can’t just turn the project over to your narrator, you must be hands on and help them create distinctive voices for each of your characters.

How closely did you work with your narrator before and during the recording process?

Very closely. We communicated well. Scott was not offended when I asked for more energy, or a different accent to keep the characters distinct from one another. He made all the fixes I asked for in a timely manner. He kept the chapters coming in a reasonable amount of time so that we did lose connection to the story. I was very excited to listen to each new chapter.

What is your favorite theme/genre to write about?

LB: I am an adventure travel writer with a book of travel essays called Lost Angel Walkabout-One Traveler’s Tales to my credit. I also published an historical novel titled Wai-nani: A Voice from Old Hawai’i. I have been told that Wai-nani casts a hypnotic spell that transports you to ancient Hawai’i—a place you can’t get to any other way. In The Cowgirl Jumped Over the Moon I let readers ride solo on the Pacific Crest Trail and to feel the fragile beauty of the lofty realm. Ultimately, all of my books are destination pieces that provide you with a sense of place and could be called travel literature. I use my travel writing skills to enhance my novel writing to engage readers. It seems to be working!

What are your current projects?

My story  On the Road with Isabella Bird-The Lady of the Rockies just won Gold for the best destination piece in the Traveler’s Tales annual Solas Awards. Here is a link to that story.

http://bit.ly/2I4zzUV

I hope one fine day to turn this incredibly brave and independent woman’s story into an historical fiction novel. Research for this book involves returning to Colorado ,which I love, and to ride in the different seasons of the year. She rode mostly in the fall and winter. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it!

I am presently collecting stories for my next travel collection Lost Angel Unleashed! What do you think?

Do you have any advice for writers?

LB: Writers write. Builders build. Surgeons cut. If you say you are a writer then write. Keep notes of your stay on the planet. Journal about your experiences. Reflect upon what you see and try to capture the essence of it in words as a painter tries to capture it in colors and images. You will not remember the details that make a story vibrant. You have to write your impressions and feelings down as you go along. Then when you have time to organize your thoughts and know what it is you are trying to say you can go back to your notes and extract details that will liven your work. Don’t wait to be a writer. Life go goes by too fast. Simply be a writer and see what happens.

Q&A with Clark Rich Burbidge, StarPassage: Honor and Mercy

When did you first realize you wanted to be a writer? Or what first inspired you to write?

I have always been a story teller. I made them up as bed-time stories for my kids. The fun was to do it on the fly which made it challenging and fun for all. In 2010 I was between jobs and thought networking 24/7 was burning me out. I had a few stories I wanted to put down on paper and one thing led to another with my first book published in 2011. It is the most fun and hardest job I have ever had. 

Where/When do you best like to write?

I get up early and in the quiet hours of the morning I sit in my favorite recliner chair, lean back with my computer on my lap and disappear into different worlds. It is awesome.

Do you have any interesting writing habits or superstitions?

I don’t really make an outline. A brief outline which is departed from regularly is the base. I get an idea and it leads me places. I never know when I round the bend who will be there. It is very exciting. I have found occasionally on passages that I ended up somewhere unexpected and had to stop writing while I did the research. It means that writing is very exciting like I am having the experience with the characters. When I stop I can’t wait to get back and start again. That is how a lot of my readers feel.

What do you think makes a good story?

Strong characters and a meaningful, intriguing story. The roller coaster ride of adventure is always there to keep the pages turning but its about the story and the characters. Do they draw you into the story so you have an experience with them and not just read. That’s the secret.

What inspired your story?

Current topics. I am tired of the pop culture narrative that if you can’t have it exactly how you want it then give up. That’s a stupid narrative. We become great because of the challenged and trials and “Monsters” in our lives. Heroes in literature could not be so without them either. Our trials are what give us the opportunity to be great. They are tools of success, not weapons of destruction. It is what you dwell on that matters. You can choose that. My characters lose physical, emotional or social capabilities often in sudden change. I want my readers to know that they can use even the worst events in their lives as stepping stones to be heroes rather than as excuses to become helpless, hopeless victims.

What was your greatest challenge in writing this book?

Coming up with additional passages that took the story somewhere meaningful. I always knew about where it would end but the road in between makes all the difference. I could not just have gratuitous passages and throw them at people. They had to move the story along and tie together in a logical and compelling way. It had to stay fresh and exciting and introduce new twists. You can’t just rely on the things that work for book one.

Who are some of your favorite authors?

Tolkein, Bobrik, Dickens, Scriptural Writers, Bernard Cornwell, Dan Brown and Clive Cussler.

What person(s) has/have helped you the most in your career?

My father taught me to never give up and be generous. My Mission President who was a pilot in three wars taught me to take pride in what I do and that I could do anything if I was willing to work hard and my Uncle taught me how to enjoy every day of the path along the way. That brings me to my wife who teaches me every day that there is a higher reason and purpose to our lives and that we can and should lift others up along the way and the great secret that serving others is the surest way to personal happiness.

What’s the best writing advice you have ever received?

Take all the advice you can but never give up your own voice in your works.
 

Guest Post: I Am a Brown Coat Wearing Trekkie by A.S. McGowan

As I have said before, books are my thing. I have an addiction to the written word. However, I do like movies also. Sometimes they can take a book and make a good movie out of it. Other times the transition from pages to screen loses too much for me. In a previous guest blog post that I did for my blog tour for my Centaur Agency series, I talked about my two favorite movies. To recap my favorites are We Were Soldiers and Dog Soldiers. I can watch those movies over and over again without ever having burn out. However, everyone in my house reaches the ends of their ropes when I get like that. With that said there are other movies and television series that I enjoy.

First off everyone in my house except my youngest child and myself likes Star Wars. Sorry everyone but my 5-month-old and I neither one like it. We both like Star Trek. I like the originals and all the new modern Star Treks. The movies or the series, it doesn’t matter. I will consume all things Star Trek. The reason I know my 5-month-old likes it to is that most the time he sleeps when the television is on. However, I have noticed that if anything Star Trek is on he sits wide eyed and watches. He even smiles occasionally when there is a Vulcan on the screen.

Firefly series and Serenity movie. What can I say when it comes to sci-fi shows I am a brown coat wearing trekkie. River was one of my favorite characters. On one hand she was so childlike. On the other hand, she was a psycho killing machine. Inra was a complex class act as well. So much the upscale lady and yet a paid companion. Seriously what a complex combination. I hated that her and the captain never really did get together despite the love between them.

Another movie I don’t want to neglect to mention is the Divergent movies. I feel they did a great job taking it from book to movie. The whole ‘Faction before blood’ really got me. As a mother I know I would hate if my child was to choose a faction different than mine. But at the same time, I would cheer them on to reach their full potential. Complex family dynamics with this movie. It didn’t hurt that Four was some nice eye candy.

Well my time is up here. Please comment with some of you favorite sci-fi movies.

Guest Post: "Hope is the Thing With Feathers" by Elizabeth Younts

HOPE is the thing with feathers. So Emily Dickinson’s wrote in one of her poems. From the dawn of time we humans have been chasing after HOPE. We've tried to define it—tried to find it—tried to nail it down.

It is what moves us out of our despair. It is what pushes us out of bed in the morning. It is what we look for when we are hurting. The HOPE that things will get better and that healing will come.

In the same poem, Emily Dickinson wrote that HOPE sings while it perches and even in the midst of a storm—HOPE still sings—and not quietly either. I think that Emily Dickinson got it right. HOPE does its work actively and does not stop. 

HOPE is everywhere. It's easy to overlook it when the storm comes or when we have no words left to say—though hope is often written about. A famous hymn writer wrote about hope: My HOPE is built on nothing less, than Jesus blood and righteousness. And in Jeremiah, God says that He knows the plans He has for you—plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a HOPE.

In my new release THE SOLACE OF WATER, I explore what happens in relationships when they take our eyes off of HOPE and eventually feel it doesn't exist at all anymore.

Delilah is dealing with the heaviness of her grief over losing her son and she cannot resist pouring guilt onto her daughter, Sparrow, who was the last to see the child alive. Who was partially responsible. Neither expect a quiet, reclusive Amish woman, Emma, in their new Pennsylvania town to have pain and guilt of her own, but their unlikely connection reminds them all that no one is free from a certain hopelessness they feel they are drowning in.

But, the great thing about HOPE is that even if we take our eyes off of it...it's still there and it continues to do it's thing—it doesn't take its eyes off of us. These three women learn this apart and together and it is all that can save them from themselves.

Hope sings through the gale.

It can be found.

It can be heard.

Writers since the days of the Bible have sought to understand this little word—but don't overthink it, it is all around you. In the sun that shines, in the seed that grows, and in the mere involuntary instinct it is to smile when something pleases you. And, with that, I HOPE you smile today.

THE SOLACE OF WATER:

'The Solace of Water is a gripping coming-of-age historical fiction story that will stick with readers for some time after the final word is read. Hauntingly beautiful prose is bountiful in this tightly woven tale . . . The characters demonstrate the impact secrets, guilt and unforgiveness can have on a person in this emotive gem.' (RT Book Reviews, 4 1/2 stars, TOP PICK)

In a time of grief and heartache, an unlikely friendship provides strength and solace.

After leaving her son’s grave behind in Montgomery, Alabama, Delilah Evans has little faith that moving to her husband’s hometown in Pennsylvania will bring a fresh start. Enveloped by grief and doubt, the last thing Delilah imagines is becoming friends with her reclusive Amish neighbor, Emma Mullet—yet the secrets that keep Emma isolated from her own community bond her to Delilah in delicate and unexpected ways.

Delilah’s eldest daughter, Sparrow, bears the brunt of her mother’s pain, never allowed for a moment to forget she is responsible for her brother’s death. When tensions at home become unbearable for her, she seeks peace at Emma’s house and becomes the daughter Emma has always wanted. Sparrow, however, is hiding secrets of her own—secrets that could devastate them all.

With the white, black, and Amish communities of Sinking Creek at their most divided, there seems to be little hope for reconciliation. But long-buried hurts have their way of surfacing, and Delilah and Emma find themselves facing their own self-deceptions. Together they must learn how to face the future through the healing power of forgiveness.

Eminently relevant to the beauty and struggle in America today, The Solace of Water offers a glimpse into the turbulent 1950s and reminds us that friendship rises above religion, race, and custom—and has the power to transform a broken heart.

Elizabeth Byler Younts

Connect: Website | Instagram | Facebook

Ok, my lovely readers! We have a special treat. Please enjoy this exclusive special two-chapter extended audio clip!